PANICAN NATION: Trump’s Tariff Tantrum Triggers Market Meltdown While He Plays Golf with Saudi Billionaires

WASHINGTON D.C. — America is burning — economically speaking — and President Donald Trump is busy perfecting his backswing at a Saudi-funded golf tournament.

In a spectacular display of political malpractice, Trump’s latest foray into economic “leadership” has sent the stock market spiraling into chaos, shaving over $6.5 trillion off global markets in just days.

Wall Street? In freefall. Asia, Europe, Australia? All sinking faster than Trump’s credibility.

Jon Stewart — returning to his rightful place as America’s comedic conscience on The Daily Show — ripped into the absurdity of it all.

“Our economy is in the midst of a beautiful metamorphosis,” Stewart deadpanned. “Turning from a simple caterpillar… into a dead caterpillar.”

Tariffs: Trump’s Favorite Four-Letter Word

It all began — predictably — with tariffs. Trump’s obsession with trade wars has turned the U.S. economy into a geopolitical piñata, swinging wildly while American consumers, businesses, and workers take the hits.

Wall Street initially celebrated Trump’s re-election like frat boys at a deregulation kegger — emboldened to slash taxes, gut protections, and apparently resurrect every offensive slur in the HR handbook.

One top banker bragged to the press that he now felt “liberated” enough to drop the R-word and P-word without fear of getting canceled.

As Stewart savagely noted:

“That top banker is definitely using both of those words right now — perhaps even adding ‘motherf***er’ for good measure.”

Market Meltdown: Apocalypse in Aloha Shirts

Meanwhile, as the Dow cratered nearly 1,600 points in a single day, financial news anchors inexplicably donned Hawaiian shirts, as though economic Armageddon was some sort of tropical luau.

“Who wears a Hawaiian shirt to an economic Armageddon?” Stewart asked incredulously. “Did they pull you in from the pool?”

The pain wasn’t just theoretical.

Everyday Americans saw their 401(k)s obliterated. The global economy teetered.

And most importantly — as Stewart mockingly observed — members of Congress saw their stock portfolios hemorrhaging cash.

Trump’s Response? Gaslight, Golf, Repeat.

Faced with this crisis, what did the President of the United States do?

Issue a calm, reassuring statement?

Offer a coherent economic plan?

Nope. He rage-posted on Truth Social:

“Don’t be weak. Don’t be stupid. Don’t be a Panican.”

Yes — Panican — a word so bizarrely stupid it could only come from the same mind that gave us “Sleepy Joe” and “Crooked Hillary.”

Stewart was merciless:

“Panican? What happened? Did your nickname factory overseas shut down during the tariff war?”

He even offered some helpful alternatives:

Hysterocrats
Repussicans
Cryontologists

Sadly, none were adopted.

Squid Game Meets Economic Policy

Trump doubled down, posting again:

“Only the weak will fail.”

Stewart fired back:

“Your economic policy has the same tagline as Season 3 of Squid Game?”

Indeed, Trump’s America is starting to feel like a dystopian reality show — where only the ruthless survive while the rest of us watch our savings evaporate.

Golfing While Rome Burns

And just in case anyone doubted how little Trump cares, he spent the weekend not playing a casual round of golf — but competing in a full-blown three-day tournament alongside his LIV Golf Saudi benefactors.

As the U.S. economy gasped for air, the President was teeing off on the 812th hole of his own self-interest.

Jon Stewart summed it up perfectly:

“The President is basically saying: Only the weak shall die in my economy.“

Conclusion: America Held Hostage by a Cartoon Villain

As markets crash, workers suffer, and global confidence evaporates, one thing is clear — Trump isn’t governing.

He’s trolling.

Tariffs? Bluster.
Markets? Collateral damage.
Americans? Pawns in his reality-TV presidency.

Welcome to Panican Nation.

Grab your Hawaiian shirts. It’s going to be a long, stupid ride.