Aliens, Jesus, and Spaghetti-Trump: Late-Night Hosts Torch a Planet Gone Mad

In a week where weed met resurrection, aliens possibly pinged Earth, and the FDA may soon approve “buffalo beaks,” America’s late-night hosts took one collective sigh — then aimed their satirical missiles straight at the madness.

From Stephen Colbert’s Easter high to Jimmy Kimmel’s interstellar deportation of Ted Cruz, the country’s best comedic minds shredded the headlines with surgical precision.

Aliens, Jesus, and Spaghetti-Trump: Late-Night Hosts Torch a Planet Gone Mad

Stephen Colbert: Blunt Jokes and Blunter Realities

Opening The Late Show, Colbert welcomed his audience to a double-holiday weekend: Easter Sunday and 4/20.

“It’s the Sunday He is risen,” he grinned, “and you is high.”

Naturally, America celebrated the resurrection of Jesus Christ and the holy sacrament of Cheetos dust fingers.

But Colbert wasn’t done crucifying absurdity.

Donald Trump’s meeting with Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni provided ample sauce.

After playing a clip of Meloni speaking passionately in Italian, Colbert jabbed: “I’ll have what she’s having — double meatball, double parm.”

Trump, he added, looked right at home during the meeting — “like a pile of prosciutto with a spaghetti toupee.”

Meloni, often branded the “Trump whisperer,” offered an official invite to Italy.

Given the state of things at home, many Americans might consider hiding in her luggage.

Back on U.S. soil, things weren’t tasting as sweet.

Trump’s cuts to the Department of Health and Human Services left the FDA unable to inspect food facilities.

“Say hello to Tyson’s tangy buffalo beaks and thumbs!” Colbert quipped, gagging at the future of American cuisine.

But the deeper damage wasn’t just gastrointestinal.

Colbert noted the administration’s war on data, with health officials stripped of tools to track infectious disease.

The outcome? “TLC’s s*xy new reality show: Drug-Resistant Gonorrhea Island.”

And then came the forecast — or lack of one.

The National Weather Service is hemorrhaging staff just as storm season barrels in.

“Soon,” Colbert warned, “the Weather Channel will just be reruns of Twister.”

On a more intergalactic note, Colbert lit up over scientists discovering a potential biosignature on a distant planet.

“Please, aliens,” he begged.

“Take us to your leader — we don’t have one anymore.”

Conspiracy theorists tried to rain on the space parade, alleging that Blue Origin’s all-female crew launch was staged.

Colbert wasn’t having it.

“Maybe Kubrick could fake the moon landing,” he said.

“But you could never fake Gayle King’s sheer terror.”

Jimmy Kimmel: Holy Smoke and Space Evictions

Meanwhile, over at Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host wasn’t feeling the Easter spirit either.

“If Jesus comes back and sees what’s going on,” Kimmel warned, “we are in deep trouble.”

He pointed to the cosmic irony of Easter coinciding with 4/20.

“That’s going to make for some long and confusing egg hunts.”

And with egg prices still sky-high, Americans are being advised to dye marshmallows, potatoes, or anything else vaguely round.

“But let’s be honest,” Kimmel sighed, “Jesus is only coming back for the boiled eggs.”

Kimmel then pivoted to Trump’s “Golden Throne” redesign of the White House — more Liberace than Lincoln.

“His press secretary calls it ‘the golden office for the golden age,’” he sneered.

“Which is quite the spin, considering the Midas story doesn’t exactly end well.”

And in a segment titled “How Not to Visit With Foreign Leaders,” Kimmel played Trump bumbling through geography during his meeting with Meloni.

Asked about the Congo, Trump replied, “I don’t know what that is.”

Kimmel deadpanned: “When is someone gonna show that man a map?”

He then turned to America’s potential alien pen pals.

Scientists found something akin to sea scum on a planet 120 light-years away.

“We may have found a new home for Ted Cruz,” Kimmel offered generously.

His final shot? Directed at Bezos and Musk.

“Off you go, Elon and Jeff — time to climb into those space dildos and boldly go away.”

Alien Life Found, Intelligent Life on Earth Still Missing

As Trump paints the White House like a Vegas buffet, federal agencies wither, and Meloni tries to speak Italian to someone who thinks “Rome” is a salad dressing, the late-night commentary acts as America’s last line of sanity.

Colbert and Kimmel reminded viewers that while the FDA might not inspect your chicken and your weather report may soon be a guess, there’s still one thing we can count on: late-night satire, locked and loaded.

In Colbert’s words, if aliens are watching — please — come get us.

Bring a spaceship, maybe a map for Trump, and some eggs that don’t cost $9.99 a dozen.