It was supposed to be a match made in progressive heaven: Megan Rapinoe, freshly retired soccer star and certified activist, joining the ranks of ESPN as a color commentator.

Unfortunately, her post-retirement broadcasting career ended faster than her last World Cup penalty kick.

According to ESPN Executive Producer Joe Barron, Rapinoe was “released from her duties” after a single day on the job.

“She couldn’t get along with anyone,” Barron said. “Producers, other commentators, interns, the vending machine guy…even the teleprompter filed a grievance.

And frankly, she’s just not very good at calling games. She’s more interested in making political statements and throwing shade at people who dare to like sports.”

Her debut broadcast aired Sunday afternoon during the Big Ten Women’s Soccer semifinals. She was scheduled to do light commentary and post-halftime analysis.

Instead, Rapinoe opened the segment with a five-minute monologue about wage disparity, climate justice, and how she finds the concept of “offsides” inherently patriarchal.

At halftime, rather than break down the match, she demanded a moment of silence for a former teammate’s cat that identifies as a raccoon.

“I’ve worked in broadcasting for thirty years,” said longtime ESPN anchor Art Tubolls, “and I’ve never seen someone walk off the set mid-broadcast because the intern brought her the wrong oat milk.”

Sources say Rapinoe refused to wear the ESPN polo shirt on air, claiming the logo reminded her of capitalism. She also allegedly spent an entire pre-production meeting demanding that the entire World Cup be renamed the “Non-Gendered Global Celebration of Ball-Kicking.”

When fellow analyst Debbie McClintock tried to steer the conversation back to actual soccer, Rapinoe reportedly rolled her eyes, sighed loudly, and muttered, “Ugh, fascist.”

In a post-firing tweet, Rapinoe wrote: “Being silenced by the corporate sports-industrial complex for speaking truth to power is exactly what I expected. ESPN will regret this. Also, the offside rule is fake.”

Her supporters claim she was targeted for “being too bold” and “challenging the status quo.” Critics countered that it might be time for Rapinoe to challenge her own mirror and ask, “Am I the problem?”

Rapinoe’s replacement will reportedly be a Labrador named Steve, who once ran onto the field during a Division II soccer game in Idaho. ESPN says he “has better instincts, less ego, and doesn’t make every game about himself.”

Rapinoe’s future plans are unclear, though insiders say she’s in talks to launch her own streaming network called WOKE: Where Opinions Kick Harder Than the Ball.

As for ESPN, they’re just happy to have the coffee machine working again. Apparently, Rapinoe banned all beans not sourced from a Peruvian anarchist commune.